I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how you never truly know what’s going on in another person’s life.
We often put on a mask and pretend like we’re fine but how much better could life be if we were all honest with each other? Allowed ourself to feel and be vulnerable?
How much less alone would we feel?
The past year has been a particularly challenging one for me health wise and I dropped a lot of business plans because of it. When you’re living in survival mode sometimes it takes all you can just to make it one minute to the next, and I personally didn’t really realize how bad things were for me mentally last fall/winter until I started to get on the other side.
I kept showing up and doing the essential parts of my job with a smile on my face – working with my clients, updating programming, occasionally posting on social media – but didn’t have anything else in me to give. I wasn’t sure there was any hope left for a future when things would get better. I started asking myself questions like “if my health continues to decline, will I make it to 35? or 40?” and “if I have to keep living this way, is life even worth it at all?”
Then in July, my life changed in an instant. Twice. The first one I’m not going to talk about publicly. Just know that it came with a level of grief I hadn’t yet experienced. A few months have passed and while I’m still grieving, I now understand the sentiment “you don’t move on from grief, you grow around it.”
The second one was more positive, yet ambiguous. I started seeing a new doctor (doctor #5) that finally listened to all the symptoms and concerns that have been growing in my life in the last 2.5 years. He ran tests and did imaging and even though things still came back a little inconclusive he started me on a medication in August. Just to try something. And guess what? I started noticing positive changes within a few days. Honestly, it felt like the miracle I’d been praying for years.
Ambiguous, though, because without conclusive imaging we can’t really say “yes, you have XYZ” but rather “this medications seems to be helping so we’ll ride it out and see what happens.” I hesitate to say exactly what’s going on because I don’t have an official diagnosis but it appears to be what I’ve been suspecting since May 2021 – and my first couple doctors wrote off. So trust your gut.
Maybe I also hesitate to say because I haven’t told many people in real life because it feels weird to say “hey, how are you? also btw I probably have a brain tumor”? Like it’s not a cancer tumor, but that doesn’t negate the fact that a teeny, tiny little mass on my pituitary gland still destroyed my life. *phew, ripped off that bandaid*
Then I was faced with the duality of living with such polarizing emotions. In one hand, I was devastated about the loss I had recently faced. And on the other hand, I was finally getting relief from the mystery web of symptoms that had plagued me since late 2020. How do you live with both at once?
I don’t really have a good answer to that question yet. I think you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and leaning on the people who love you when you need support. At some point the load lessens a little. At some point I guess that’s just… life?
My therapist told me she’s proud of me for continuing to push through to get answers about my health. In my opinion it was quite literally the only option. If you reading this are looking for answers, and it all seems like too much and you feel like giving up – please know that there IS hope. I’m living proof and I’m rooting for you.
I say all this to say, mental health is just as important as physical health. And as someone who grew up learning that it’s “safer” to just hold everything in – I promise you it’s not. We’re not meant to go through life handling things on our own. Grief and challenges are much less isolating when you allow people to help you, even if it’s just to sit alongside you in those darkest moments. If you’re like me, it’s not easy. But it is like building a muscle. You have to keep working at it over and over for the capacity to grow.
How to care for yourself in survival mode:
P.S. Here’s a teaser follow along mobility video I recently posted on tiktok for you to try! It only takes about 6 minutes and you should be able to view it whether you have a tiktok account or not. I’d love to hear how you feel afterwards.
P.P.S. We’re getting into that season for those that deal with symptoms of seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Try to get some sunlight in the morning, move your body around regularly (if you need help, you know where to find me!) and supplement with vitamin D if you can. I just started using my happy light in the mornings because it’s been real gray in Minnesota.
